Hi everybody!
TL;DR: Focusing heavily on myself right now, I do want to post more regularly, but ultimately, I found I was forcing myself which made posts bad which made me mad and delete them lol...from now on I will post when I want to (lol) and not force myself! :)
I'm not quite sure where to start with this one. I've already written it twice before (third time lucky, hopefully).
As you'll know, I have this horrible habit of disappearing from this blog only to reappear about a year later, like I was hibernating or something! The last time I wrote a revision of this post I was getting quite passionate about the issue of self-doubt and limiting myself, and it ended up reading in a low tone, so I'm going to try and make this one more upbeat because at the end of the day, although I am (generally) realistic, I do always try to make things look light, because I put a lot of pressure on myself (I am working on it!!!) and I don't want it spreading to other people!
Essentially what I would like to say is that I do really enjoy blogging, but I don't know when I will be able to post. I guess I kind of said that in other blog posts of this type but I was tip-toeing around it because I felt very guilty about suddenly going away and coming back. I'm not going to go into detail, but my life had lots of big changes one after the other from about 2014/15 up until now. I'm only just feeling settled, and even then, I have a job to find, skills to improve and other personal things to work on.
So yup, it took me three years to say one sentence. I have a lot of personal developments to make, and I was finding it very hard to control that pressure that I put on myself, but I am getting there. I used to think 'Oh my goodness, I'm getting older every second! I'm working hard but nothing is working, this is going to make my future horrible!' but now I am happy that I am the age that I am. Currently, I am 22 years old; 23 in February. I have time. And I may not have a job that I'd like or my own cosy flat any more...but I am healthy, I have a degree now, a good one...okay, I may not be employed right now, but I have had that experience of working in multiple industries and I have good skills and a pleasant personality so I can get a job.
That is the biggest difference from then to now. I can. I always used to say I can't, I'm not good enough, everyone else is better. Someone extremely important to me taught me to say I can. I used it for a little bit. It helped me get my degree, to get a job to pull my weight of supporting us. But somewhere along the line I forgot it again...it's back now though.
I still have self doubt like everybody does...but now I feel more capable. I don't feel like a child any more. I feel like I am worthy of so much more than I felt I was. I hope that didn't sound egotistic, I was hoping it sounded empowering...>_<
Thank you for reading this all the way to the end. Bottom line is that I will post when I want to (lol) and not force myself :)
Have a lovely day everyone,
Francesca x
